


I'm rotten work. Please fix me.

by Atiredsoul



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Essek just wants everything to go back to normal, Essek overthinks, Fear, He's a drunk and sad boi who just wants love, Lonely Essek Thelyss, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25796596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atiredsoul/pseuds/Atiredsoul
Summary: Essek Thelyss is not a good person.He himself knows this.So why does he think good things will happen to him?Why does he assume that the Nein still want him?(Aka Essek thinks everything will be fine and it's not)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 71





	I'm rotten work. Please fix me.

**Author's Note:**

> I was reading a bunch of sad poems and I thought about how Essek thinks about things and how he assumes the best will happen and I decided to write something sad about the nein coming back.

Essek Thelyss is a traitor, he's a liar, he's not a good person. He deserves to be hanged for his crimes against his nation. 

And yet here he is, thinking about good things and how he can't wait for the Nein to be back. He should be sleeping right now but he can't. He's too drunk on his wine collection to even think about sleep.

He can feel a phantom kiss be put upon his head and he suddenly can't think. His tense body is relaxed and his mind is focused on thoughts of Caleb. He wants him. He craves him.

The thought of just seeing the mage again leaves him restless. He can't wait for him to come back. He wanted to make it up to him. He wanted to make the guilt and anxiety go away. 

Caleb could help him with that. He could show him how to be better and they can work on plans to make sure no one finds out that he was involved with the beacons. And maybe, once he seems good enough, Caleb will kiss him again.

He can already see it. He's in Caleb's room and it's dark. The room is only illuminated by glowing candles. He's laying beside him. They are wrapped around each other, like lovers. All the bad feelings are gone and he feels light. Caleb softly kissing his cheeks and neck. 

It would leave him breathless. He would feel nothing but happiness and warmth. It would probably feel like the sun, or what he would imagine the sun to be like. 

The fantasy is too good to be true, but it doesn't stop Essek from thinking about it and wishing for it. He eventually passes out from the wine and he dreams of nothing.

The next coming weeks are even worse. Every day he is more on edge. He keeps waiting for the Nein to show up but they never do. He knows that it's affecting his work, but so is his fear.

He feels like everyone is out to get him. He locks his doors and windows as soon as he gets home and he constantly makes sure that no one is watching him. He wonders if everyone already knows and he's just being played with. 

It's three more days before the Nein shows up. Essek can barely contain himself when he hears that they are back. He doesn't even think he can wait a day before seeing all of them. When he arrives back to his tower he goes and looks for all his best books.

He knows it would be rude to go and see the Nein immediately and he makes himself wait a day. He barely sleeps the that night and by moring he has the best treats for Jester and best books for Caleb.

He teleports there around ten in the morning. He tries to keep his hands from fidgeting but it's hard. He's gripping onto the box of goodies as he floats towards the house. 

He already knows what's going to happen. He'll ring the doorbell and Caduceus will answer it. He'll smile politely and invite Essek in. Beau will give him a nod and he'll hand over the box of sweets to Jester. 

She'll hug him and start talking about TravellerCon and how great it was. He'll nod along and listen while looking around for Caleb. After talking with Jester and getting tea from Mr. Clay, he'll go up with Caleb to his room.

He'll show off the books he gathered for him and Caleb will thank him. They'll talk for a bit about magic and he'll be petting Frumpkin. He'll finally feel safe and happy. He'll stay for lunch and by late evening he will leave full of food and satisfied.

He knocks on the door and he prepares to see the firbolg's gentle smiling face, instead he comes face to face with Yasha.

The tall fit woman stares at him and he stares back surpised. He awkwardly clears his throat and he can feel his anxiety getting worse. 

"Hello Essek. Do you need something?" Yasha asks quietly.

"I uhm, I brought some sweets over for Jester and some books for Caleb. Since you all are back." Essek manages to get out and he wonders why he hasn't been invited in yet.

"Oh. Well thank you. I can pass it along to them." Yasha says, reaching out towards the box of treats and bag he holds.

Essek stands there dumbfounded. He doesn't really know what to say and his skin suddenly started to feel too tight. His hands shake as he gives everything over to the woman. His mouth feels too dry to speak. 

Do they not want to see him? Did he come at the wrong time? Why is Yasha talking with him? Where's the others? Is this their way of saying he should go? He could feel all the negative thoughts overwhelming him.

Yasha took and held onto everything gently and the two kept staring at each other. Essek didn't know how he was keeping it together and he felt the sudden need to run. 

He swiftly turned around and before Yasha could say anything else to him, he was floating away as fast as possible. Once he was out of her sight, he teleported away back to his home. 

His anxiety was bubbling away in his gut and he felt like he might explode. His mind was spiraling and the only thing he wanted was for everything to stop. He grabbed another one of his expensive wines and he gulped it down fast.

He ended up drinking another bottle once the first was done. His hands shook and his cheeks were wet with hot tears. He should have known that they wouldn't want to see him. He should have understood that he was too evil for them. 

He didn't deserve nice things like the Mighty Nein. He didn't deserve nice things like Caleb Widogast.

**Author's Note:**

> Also sorry for any typos or if the writing is cringe. I'm really bad at writing characters sometimes and my phone is being a bitch with spelling. I hope everyone has a good night/day!


End file.
